I Can Fix A Screen, But I Can’t Fix A Relapse

"Manu" Colt's step-brother!
“Manu” Colt’s step-brother!

I was walking Colt around the block this morning and I think my “fixation on cars following me” kicked in because I started to notice every car that drove around me. Even parked cars blocks away caught my attention. It’s funny now, but back then it was pretty scary. I know today I can shake it off and change my thoughts to something positive pretty quick. Or something can happen that gets my attention like locking myself out of my house.

Real slick Jaime, real slick!

So Colt and I hopped over the fence to search for an open window or unlocked door and NOPE! With Colt looking at my all crazy, I noticed my kid’s bathroom window was open, but to get in I had to cut the screen. Years ago this would have set me off, but today my thinking is:

I can fix a screen, but I can’t fix a relapse.

So I wedge myself though the window and when I get in I receive a phone call. It was a friend from back in the day

"I can fix a screen, but I can't fix a relapse!"
“I can fix a screen, but I can’t fix a relapse!”

when I was using. They ask if I know a plumber. Of course I don’t. But I go on to ask about the guys. Now at the end of my using the guys I hung with were like brothers to me. Ride-or-die partners in crime. It was us against the world and heavy into drugs. They are people I still think about and wish them well. So I ask about them…and well, they’re all the same but worse. One guy has new charges and facing prison time again. Another has a CPS case pending on them. Another married his daughters best friend who had a in prison. They all moved into my friends mom’s house. Which forces the daughter to have to move out because she went to prison for child abuse. Yup, one big happy family, and they are all still using. Oh and by the way all my friends hate each other now and don’t even hang out.

So I told my friend two things:

  1. I’m so lucky I went to treatment when I did and…
  2.  You need to get the fuck away from everyone.

And to be honest, I feel good that everyone is doing bad. I know that sucks, but I made the right choice thus once and for all SMASHING ALL RESERVATIONS!


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"A Legend in my own mind"

3 thoughts on “I Can Fix A Screen, But I Can’t Fix A Relapse”

  1. Nothing says Good Morning, good life like a smiling, happy chocolate lab. It’s funny, not ha-ha, but amazing you say you’re glad the old playmates are having a rough time. Nothing was going to get me out of my spiral of self-destruction until it became unbearable. It didn’t take that much, but eventually…well, I sometimes think about the day, too. Yesterday was the graduation day for my rehab center and all the glowing B.S. around all of us addicts and A-holes, how much we’d changed in six months. I’ve been going back every month for over a year now as an alum to say, this is a good think, but it’s not easy and keeping clean in a residential 6-month program, what choice do you have. Well of the forty-four guys (I don’t keep up with the women’s house) that have completed their 180-days, four have OD’d, four have relapsed and come back, only four-that I know of, are still active and sober, two went back to the lifestyle and are now doing double digits for, who knows…I was sponsoring a kid a coupla months ago, and he’s kinda just dropped off the screen, got to feeling better and I suppose that’s all he wanted. Yeah, sometimes that smack upside the head needs to be hard and swift and maybe regular. Glad you got a little validation there, I’m talking about the screen and all, know that feeling all too well; and sorry about your friends, maybe one day…

    1. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. It’s interesting how mentioned how people are sober from your original group. The stats are not in an addicts favor, however there is more help than ever out there. I just don’t get it.

      Have a great weekend bud!

      1. Ahh, my guess is that you are over thirty and this recovery was not your first. It was commented to me once when I said, Wow..with all her motivation and this and that, she did great for 88 days then BAM! The facilitator said, sometimes the client is not ready to BE ready, and sometimes you have to view relapse as a part of recovery not an end or termination. I’ve had periods of “clean” ranging from little over a year to almost five at four separate points in thirty years of abusive alcoholism. And in each of those times, I was assuming, or counting on, getting to some “destination”, like are we there yet-syndrome. This time, I see much more clearly that it is the freaking journey that’s so amazing. It might helped in a concrete way that I’d recently driven from San Francisco to Savannah, GA over the coarse of a month with plenty of site-seeing en route. So, I encourage myself when things get crappy, that tomorrow we’ll be in Memphis and at Graceland or in the Grand Canyon or, wow, look at that… let’s stop and see. I truly appreciate your writing and your writings. THAT takes some commitment. I hope we can stay in touch. Getting married Tuesday, btw…

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