So sometimes I have no idea what I am going to blog about. Like today, no clue. I have not been to a meeting in about ten days. I am going to try to go to one at noon. I also have been working on a manuscript for the better part of 3 years. A memoir about the challenges of getting out prison and basically changing your entire life, then comes along a twist of addiction along the journey. I am not sure what readers are looking for in the memoir genre, however I can tell you my story is about challenge, a journey, a story of real change, for the better good. So, not much else going on, still sober and still moving forward.
To have hope, one must be hopeless
To want help, one must be in trouble
To want to live, one must want to die
And to recover, one must find themselves in the darkest days of addiction.
I realized today, that after nearly fourteen months of sobriety, the craving for alcohol and dope has finally left. The physical torture that starts in my stomach and flows to my throat, mouth and nose has finally dissolved only to be swalloed by the pits of my bladder. I felt the cravings would never leave, however the random thoughts of my past reverly’s are as strong than ever.
So this morning while on my paper route, this kid, maybe a young teenager, asked me to borrow my phone outside a gas station. I told him sure, make it quick, Im working.
As soon as I hand him my Iphone, my mind starts racing. Where’s his phone, everyone has a phone these days, my nine year old has had a phone for years! This is a decent side of town, why doesnt he have a phone of his own, I ask myself. Then the addict mind starts waking, he’s gonna run, he’s gonna take off and run with my Iphone! So I brace myself, I get ready for a chase and I imagine myself tackling this youngster and taking him out on the oily gas station floor. Then I hear, “Mama, can I go home, mama, Im sorry, I just wanna go home.” (Tear-drop, sniffle, tear-drop, sniffle some more)
Aaaaaand..here comes the guilt patrol! Im such a jerk, judging this kid and sizing him up because he’s young and dosent wear the clothes that I do. BUT, wait for it, the second I dont judge, my Iphone is off and running! OR, maybe Im just worried about the wrong thing, and I need to take a look at myself, instead of looking and pointing at other people.
Grrrrrrrrr…! Sometimes I hate SOBRIETY!, every little event today in life is always some dam lesson!!!
Its whatever it takes to stay I guess!
(1 year and 22 days sober after 23 years of using and drinking!)
Over a year clean and sober and I still run into people who ask me if I can score for them!
“This Too Shall Pass”
My notebook is so slow. Like, “I’m glad my life doesn’t depend on it slow!”
I uh, decided not to apply for the delivery service job. The hours are perfect, and the days are Monday through Friday and we do need the extra money, however…I just dont feel like working every single day.
So I applied for the delivery service job. I hope they don’t call.
Driving to the point of sorrow.
Finally it ends.
Awakening to a new life.
As long as I don’t have to deliver.
101 things to do other than use or drink?
The homeless-old man ask me if I could spare some change.
“I’m not going to lie, I’m going to buy a beer with it,” he said proudly.
In a way, I respected that, and in a way, I was jealous. Drinking first thing in the morning use to be a trait of mine.
I pulled out my “year chip” and handed it to him.
“What’s this?” he asked.
I’ve been sober for over a year after 23 years of using and drinking.
“Well Ive been drinking for over forty years, and Im pretty good at it,” he said.
There was a time when I wasn’t trying to hear it. My higher power himself could of stood right in front of me and explained that I was an addict and how to get help and I would have not listened.
I came in from the chaos, when I was finally tired, miserable and hopeless. It took me twenty-three years to get there. Not everyone has to get to that point, but I did.
He gave me my chip back and I handed him two bucks. This was my first attempt to try to help someone outside my recovery program.
On January 13, 2014 I hit one year clean and sober.
It feels great.