“Do not dwell on the past, or shut the door on it…”

I’m not going to say the wine bottles in the fridge didn’t bother me, but I know for sure that I wasn’t in any danger of drinking them. And it’s funny how I just described what a normal person would consider a “sip” or even a “glass” my addicted mind went straight for “them.” As in all of “them.” Yes for a few seconds I entertained drinking all the bottles of wine in the fridge me wife had put away for the baby shower.

If I were to look back at the beginning of the week, I would suggest it started with driving by the bar down the street. It’s not so much it was the place that I would always go to because I go walk home if I had to, it was more that the bar opens up early. Like 8am early. And to see people drinking on the patio as I drive by to take that left on the way to work, I get a little jealous if I let it.

Work was actually fine this week. I look forward to the hour long drives to and from. I find it therapeutic. However like anything else, it can get to me if I let it. But this week,  I was good.

At home after work I’ve been working on the back house getting it ready and livable. But the back house is where it all went down. The 24 hour drugs and alcohol binges. They lasted for weeks. And I was always painting and grouting or trying to build something. And the smell of paint and caulking along with the smell of a freshly cut piece of 2×4, triggered the substance that I used for my solution to all my problems for the past 17 years.

So by Friday afternoon, mentally I was in a bad spot. Stubborn not to hit a meeting or call someone about the stuff that going on in my head. So like they say, a relapse starts way early, the actually physical relapse it actually comes in the end. But then there’s the kicker, the last thing that pushes you overboard.

For me it was physical work. Carrying in these huge, and I mean huge 45 case water bottles. There was like a million of them. You see, my thing is, I don’t want to have to come home and physically work. It’s just my thing.

So that night, the day before my wife’s baby shower I opened the fridge to see bottles of wine. In a packed fridge with all this food and pastries for all the guest the next day, all I saw was the wine. And in my mind, the thought of within a few seconds I could be totally fucked up. Everything I worked didn’t matter. The four years sober didn’t matter. My family didn’t matter. My son who hasn’t been born yet didn’t matter. Graduate school, my job, my broadcasting gig, none of it mattered.

The one thing that did matter, or that had have mattered because obviously I sitting here typing still over four years sober, is that my life would go back to that miserable, hopeless and emotionally painful point in time, where I didn’t want to live anymore.

And that’s what kept me sober.

Permission to Let Go

Love this!!!!

BeautyBeyondBones

Well, I just finished my book.

I’ll hold for applause.

Juuuuuust kidding. 🙂 Although, it is exciting, and I did a little happy dance last night to some Broadway show tunes to commemorate the occasion.

giphy

But it’s been really interesting to have to go back. To put myself back in that place, ten years ago, when I was going to inpatient for my anorexia. Which, wouldn’t you know, upon my entrance, I was in denial that I even had an eating disorder at all, and was adamant that I wasn’tanorexic.

And as I’ve been writing, I’ve realized just how much I am not that girl anymore. I can barely even recognize myself. And I’m not just talking about the glaringly obvious physical transformation. The truth is, I barely recognize my heart.

But it’s been really powerful – and monstrously difficult – to mentally go back and…

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What Does Recovery Look Like to You?

#myRecoverypic

So I challenge you this week, to capture a picture of your personal recovery. If you snapped a photo of your recovery what would it look like? Would it be inside or out? At night or day? Would there be people in it or will it be filled with nature? Is it something you live for or experience every single day and moment? Or maybe it is still something you strive for. Whatever it, post a picture here or on our Facebook page and group, of “What Does Recovery Look Like to You?” #myRecoverypic

There is an Ocean of Oppurtunity in Sobriety!

Where the road ends, new life begins!

The first days in addiction I felt like my life had came to an end. It was like the road had ended. There was no where left to walk. That is why I struggled so much in early sobriety because I felt like my life was over, whether I got sober or not. That thinking made it so hard to want to get help.

However a few weeks later, even though my life and everything in it was still a mess, I began to see the bigger picture. The “what if” I gave this “sobriety thing” a chance thought, started to peek in my mind.

The idea of what opportunities I could possibly have if I lived a clean and sober life gave me just enough hope to give sobriety a try.

A few months later I was able to really see a clear picture of my what my life could be. I started to understand that my life wasn’t ending, it was just beginning.

There is an ocean of opportunity in Sobriety!

Today at a little over four years sober, I can still see the “big picture” and still strive for many goals. The amazing things about it, is that once you see all the opportunity your life has clean and sober, you will always see it. The main things is, if you early in sobriety, do not think of this as the end of the road, think of it as the beginning of an amazing new life!

Like always feel free to join me at the private Facebook Group, Keeping it Sober!

 

Daily Life Management in Recovery: Tip #1

Just taking away the alcohol and drugs isn’t enough, I realized early in recovery. I learned that my life was still in complete chaos on a daily basis. Because I was always “partying” in my 20’s and 30’s I never learned how to balance, prioritize, and manage my daily life. From waking to a morning routine to knowing when to go to sleep, I had to teach myself as I lived in the exact moment of unfamiliar territory.

Tip #1: Work on your laptop, until the battery runs out.

If you’re like me, you do not know when to turn off the laptop. Always late at night I am either working, writing or Facebooking that never seems to have a clear-cut time to stop. Everything is must complete! But the truth is, none of it, not even work is so important. My number one goal is to go to sleep sober, period! When I put my life in the proper perspective, it’s a little bit easier to see the end of the day. So I came up with a answer to all my late night laptoping woe’s: unplug your laptop from the wall, and work until the battery runs out. And even though my battery has a long life, I usually have four or five different windows open that drain the battery a little quicker. And when the battery runs out, so does the permission to be on computer. The ideal scenario after your battery running out, is to unwind, spend time with the family, play with dogs, or however you would like to spend the latter part of your day.

Keeping it Sober Podcast Episode 32- The Fear of getting Sober

I trust everyone had a good Easter. I know for me the payoff for any holiday or everyday for that matter is waking up sober. I took it to the extreme all the time, and I always felt like it wasn’t a matter of “if” it was a matter of “when” would I never wake up. However those days are long gone, not completely forgotten but I am getting there. Waking up sober is truly a miracle and blessing in my life and recovery.

So I finally got a chance to record a podcast, and in episode 32 I reflect back on the fear I felt after going back to treatment after a relapse, four years ago.  You are welcome to comment right here, or join the Keeping it Sober Facebook Page & Group to post your thoughts and comments.

Read This if You Think Alcoholism is a Choice.

Really good information!!!!

One Day At a Time, This is Enough.

Hey, friends!  Happy Easter! I hope you all are spending time with your families and enjoying beautiful weather, wherever you are!  For those of you who read my post about me dreading going to my first family function since I started telling people that I am living a sober lifestyle, it went SO much better than expected.  My cousins even asked me to go see Beauty and The Beast four wheelerwith them on Thursday.  They haven’t asked me to do something with them in years.  Being around the alcohol was slightly annoying, but I let out the stress on the four-wheeler!  And yes, I stayed sober and did not pick up a single drink!

So, I guess its time to put my two degrees to work.  Some people think that alcoholism is not a disease, but I beg to differ.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I ask…

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Tim Tebow, Internet Radio & Where Do We Start?

Today I tested out my new Internet Radio station by broadcasting a live podcast for the Keeping it Sober Podcast. It’s really exciting for me to be able to create and configure audio equipment, streams and production. It’s crazy to think how I got to this exact point in my life were I am able to broadcast live from my house. I just can’t help but wonder if I didn’t go through addiction and recovery would I be broadcasting or even have a podcast??

Here’s Episode 29 were I talk about Tim Tebow, Internet Radio and post the question “Where do we start?”

I Am Ok With Just Being, Ok

coffeeLately it’s felt like groundhog day, the same daily grind from the second I wake up. It’s like I got sober to do the same thing over and over again. Maybe that’s what we do, repetition without reservations. How quickly the dark days hide now that the sun is shining bright. Not sure if the overcast is gone or just hidden by layers and layers of strong solid sobriety.

I heard a kid speak the other day. Complete millennial. I forgot what I had mentioned in group, but he was like, “dude, I wasn’t even born yet in ’85.” Geeze, thanks buddy! The kid with sandy hair looking like he carries his pillow on every Uber ride he goes on cashed in on some pretty good stuff. He said, “I wake up and I’m ok. I’m not happy, I’m not thrilled to be here, but just ok. But today, I’m ok with just being ok. Compared to the dark place I use to live for the past four years.” That makes perfect sense, to me and him at least. What doesn’t make sense to me is the Frisbee Golf league he’s in, that will never make sense. Millennias.

So a funny thing about that coffee cup. When I order coffee it’s has to sit for awhile before I drink it. I can’t drink steaming tongue burning coffee, that just doesn’t make any sense in my world. So when I buy coffee somewhere it is usually because I am driving a long way and such. So I buy coffee, eat, then I’m on my way out with the full cup. I’m about to push the door open, and I drop my cup. As I drop my cup, a guy walks in. The guy had absolutely no part of me dropping the cup. So I go up to the cashier, tell the kid sorry for the mess, can I buy another cup. The kid responds, that the guy just bought you one. I was like “wha what??” Told the guy thanks, he said no problem and as I walked to my car, I had this profound moment. YES! That’s what we need! Whatever “that” just was, I need to bottle it and give it to every American, so we can get a long, and have better days. This was amazing! Literally five seconds later I was honking and yelling at the truck in front of me who blocking my exit while he stood in line at the drive in. Fucking addicts. I am so screwed up in the head, I really just need to stay with the grind and coffee and mind my own business sometimes.

radioSomething really cool though, at least for me. I finally got my Internet radio station hooked up. I got in to Internet radio in college and when I graduated in 2009 it was my goal to create my own home studio. Well, didn’t work for obvious reasons, however last week, or 8 years later, its finished. It’s pretty cool. I can host live shows, have people call in, have in studio guest and it records all the shows as well. It’s probably now just going to sit there but at least it’s finally done, mission accomplished, I can go on with my life now!!! #keepingitsober

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Hey everyone, don’t forget to check out the Podcast at keepingitsober.org