So no podcast today.
You know we get sober and our schedule begins to fill up. Suddenly family that at one time wanted nothing to do with us, now hold responsible for daily activities that we slowly put back in our lives. The old friends are gone, they week themselves out on their own, however new friends want to hang out and catch a movie or dinner. Things while in our addiction could careless about. Opportunities surface, and just as quickly we thought our childhood dreams were gone, they couldn’t be closer. So this new way of living, still knew, yet exciting, brings joys to us and to others that we could of never imagined.
So, our day fills up quick. And today, no time for a podcast, and I almost did not blog. However throughout this new life of sobriety, the most important activity of the day must not be forgot. For if not for our sobriety, our new lives would not be possible. And without our sobriety, within days, for some of us hours, our lives can go right back to the misery and addiction that recycled every twenty-fours that brought us to our knees.
So, no podcast today, however still sober, still grateful and still sobriety comes first, even if I don’t have time to record!
My prayers go out to the family and friends of actor/comedian Robin Williams. It is truly unfortunate and a great loss.
I do not know for certain the events surrounding his apparent suicide however, I did read of his current rehab visit for depression and his battle with addiction. And the most common reaction today, “Why, he had everything?”
I do not know why, and if you think wealth is everything then you might want to have a one on one with yourself later on today. And like I said I can not speak on his situation but I can share mine.
Yes I have went to war with addiction, basically that’s what my blog is all about. I have gone to treatment, twice within a six month period and I have relapsed.
The world came crashing down the first time I entered treatment. It was pretty bad. The worst day ever, easy. However the relapse, which was not as horrific, was mentally defeating. Its like getting to the Super Bowl, being a heavy favorite, then getting blown out. How do you recover from that? Very few do. It took everything I had to earn four months, I had nothing left when I relapsed. I went back to treatment because my dealer wouldn’t sell to me and I thought I could score in there.
Twenty something clean days later, I was completely miserable. I wanted to eat a bullet. And thats when I finally broke down and asked for help.
Looking back, all I did was stop using and drinking, but I didnt change anything about me. Thats why I was miserable. But once I started to change things got better. Way better. I went from thinking my life was completely over, to reaching the age of 39, and my life is merely begining!
So this morning while on my paper route, this kid, maybe a young teenager, asked me to borrow my phone outside a gas station. I told him sure, make it quick, Im working.
As soon as I hand him my Iphone, my mind starts racing. Where’s his phone, everyone has a phone these days, my nine year old has had a phone for years! This is a decent side of town, why doesnt he have a phone of his own, I ask myself. Then the addict mind starts waking, he’s gonna run, he’s gonna take off and run with my Iphone! So I brace myself, I get ready for a chase and I imagine myself tackling this youngster and taking him out on the oily gas station floor. Then I hear, “Mama, can I go home, mama, Im sorry, I just wanna go home.” (Tear-drop, sniffle, tear-drop, sniffle some more)
Aaaaaand..here comes the guilt patrol! Im such a jerk, judging this kid and sizing him up because he’s young and dosent wear the clothes that I do. BUT, wait for it, the second I dont judge, my Iphone is off and running! OR, maybe Im just worried about the wrong thing, and I need to take a look at myself, instead of looking and pointing at other people.
Grrrrrrrrr…! Sometimes I hate SOBRIETY!, every little event today in life is always some dam lesson!!!
Its whatever it takes to stay I guess!
(1 year and 22 days sober after 23 years of using and drinking!)
My notebook is so slow. Like, “I’m glad my life doesn’t depend on it slow!”
I uh, decided not to apply for the delivery service job. The hours are perfect, and the days are Monday through Friday and we do need the extra money, however…I just dont feel like working every single day.
So I applied for the delivery service job. I hope they don’t call.
Driving to the point of sorrow.
Finally it ends.
Awakening to a new life.
As long as I don’t have to deliver.
101 things to do other than use or drink?
The homeless-old man ask me if I could spare some change.
“I’m not going to lie, I’m going to buy a beer with it,” he said proudly.
In a way, I respected that, and in a way, I was jealous. Drinking first thing in the morning use to be a trait of mine.
I pulled out my “year chip” and handed it to him.
“What’s this?” he asked.
I’ve been sober for over a year after 23 years of using and drinking.
“Well Ive been drinking for over forty years, and Im pretty good at it,” he said.
There was a time when I wasn’t trying to hear it. My higher power himself could of stood right in front of me and explained that I was an addict and how to get help and I would have not listened.
I came in from the chaos, when I was finally tired, miserable and hopeless. It took me twenty-three years to get there. Not everyone has to get to that point, but I did.
He gave me my chip back and I handed him two bucks. This was my first attempt to try to help someone outside my recovery program.
So I’ve been feeling weird lately. And at nearly ten months of sobriety I am realizing that there is something wrong. There is something not letting me move forward, and lately I have been feeling numb. I am starting to ask myself, why am I not happy?
Well yesterday I ran into a high school friend and we talked a little about the past. We brought a friend of ours who passed away in high school when he was shot in the head by a rival gang member. He was senior while I was a freshman and that was very first time I went to a funeral of a person who was not related to me.
So I was thinking today, I get these thoughts in my head of the past, usually on a daily basis and I think about all the things Ive been apart of, all the bad things and for some reason I can shake those memories from my head.
Then it hit me. Its not that I’m not happy of feeling numb, I think I am overwhelmed with guilt, and it preventing from moving forward. I used drugs and alcohol for over twenty three years to cover up a lot of guilt, so I think it would make sense that I am not familiar with the feeling.
So if Im correct, the numbs I feel is guilt, and unless I take a look at it, it will keep getting those horrific thoughts of the pass and I will not move forward. The only question now is, how do I deal with guilt?
So, today is seven months sober. It has been a huge transition from my life back in July 2011, when I started this recovery journey. It has been a complete life change, that at times was not easy. It certainly did not happen over night, however I am starting to smile a little bit more at my current life, thus where “holding on” is huge. It is a process, recovery that is, different phases of sobriety that I am going through and will continue to go through. Today, and it actually started yesterday, I looked forward to my day, to responsibilities, and to my life, sober. I have never woke up or gone to sleep with such content on the upcoming day unless I was in self.