Maybe it’s just life

This is how I feel today.

I can’t tell the difference sometimes. I feel like when I have a lot going on, all of my choosing, I not only feel like it’s too much, I feel like I’m failing at life. It’s like I have work, school, other work, family and personal hobbies and they all come at me at once and I fail at all of them. I had the thought of quitting everything this week, other than my job. Then it gets dark. Internal. It gets so dark I can physically feel the weight on my upper chest and arm. It’s like I am sore, however I haven’t worked out in over a week. I feel like yelling or crying. I use to get this feeling in addiction. However, with it, a tornado of horrible choices and reaction. Today I just sit with the feeling, knowing I have to hold it together. Maybe it’s just life. Maybe this is what every other person who is doing the right thing goes through. It’s almost like nothing brings me joy, with the exception of walking into my house full of family, that always perks me up. But I don’t see the reason for the in-between depression of life and going back home. I’m literally at work, wearing a storm jacket, and it’s 90 degrees out.

Maybe it’s time for a gratitude list.

Walk Towards the Cheers: The Battle with Social Anxiety

Season Opener vs UNM, Sept. 1st, Dreamstyle Stadium

 

Dreamstyle Stadium

I had no idea what to except. I had not been to a practice all summer. And If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to broadcast this season. I wanted to spend my Saturday’s with Jax. However, the trade for broadcasting college football in exchange for free grad school I still could not pass up.
The charter flight left Friday. I bought my own ticket to fly out Saturday morning due to a work conflict. My new job doesn’t allow the luxury of making my own schedule like last season. After I switched planes, I arrived at my destination. I used my phone to order a Lyft. The driver had a welcoming setup in the backseat. A tray of mints sat in the middle of the backseat, (I took advantage of the butterscotch). Hand sanitizer and tissue were a arm lengths away. The little trash can kept the floorboard clean of wrappers. The driver worked at Car Wash and was let off early due to the weather. He had been driving Lyft for 3 weeks. Instead of taking the clouds that covered the surrounding mountain view, I contemplated leaving a tip.
Brian was sitting in the lobby. He was surrounded by his wife and probably parents of the players would be my guess. It was good to see him. It was even better that he asked,
“Hey, you’re flying back with us, right?”
That told me Cari, who is the knew Zach, was on it, as far as communicating information.

Field

I ran into coach going up the elevator. I asked him about his emotions going into his first colligate game as a head coach as if I was doing an assessment on a client. Coach his “Rocky” face on. Something told me coach’s mind was racing.
As I walked into the hotel room I threw my bags on the bed closest to the door. Chris was checking the football scores. I order an overpriced burger (which was worth every penny,) from room service and Chris and I talked about this year’s team. Three o’clock came around and we met the team in the back of the hotel to depart to the stadium.
Down stairs, a hallway leading to the back door led us to three buses. The buzz of opening season danced in harmony throughout the narrow hallway. I gave a nod to the “new Zach,” to let her know I was there and she nodded back as if to communicate to me: I know you’re here, I obviously see you. I saw coach. He poured himself a cup water, from a table that clearly stated break staff only. As I watched everyone buzz with excitement for the game, my feet back peddled inch-by-inch until my backpack leaned against the wall. Brian was talking and smiling with a group of alumni. Cari was walking around with a note pad, as if she had a list of small tasks to do before we departed for Dreamstyle Stadium. The camera guy, who should have been Anthony, (but that’ an entirely different story.) was strolling around like he was back in the hood. But at least he was comfortable. Chris saved me by asking if I wanted to go save our seats on the bus.

Broadcast Ready!

One of the first things I love to do when I get to a stadium is set foot on the field. It’s like a safe space. I take a few steps on the synthetic blades of grass and took a 360 view of the stadium. There is just something about being on the field. It just feels right. Much like the press box, which literally a hamster aquarium. You have your privacy, but the walls are all glass. In every direction you are visible to the other teams’ staff. The IT and SID are always cool. My counterpart asked for name pronunciations for some of our players. I nodded my head a lot. I had no idea if he was pronouncing the names correctly.

Crossing the line

A friend was sharing when he believes he crossed the line in addiction. I thought it was an interesting phrase to use. Crossing the line is not “hitting your bottom,” or realizing that you have a problem. It is more doing something that you thought you would never do.

Here are a few examples that I experienced where I believe I crossed the line.

One time I was so desperate to get money for drugs I gathered my desktop computer, monitor, key boards and mouse in effort to go pawn. The only thing was that every component was a different brand. The computer a HP, the keyboard Del, etc. The pawn shop guy looked at me like I was crazy. To his point, he was correct. I was so upset that he rejected my stuff. Pawning stuff for me was definitely crossing the line. 

Another example is when I needed a few bucks for beer. I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t get some kind of substance in my body. My daughter who was in elementary school at the time, had a piggy bank that I raided for change. Come to think of it, I believe I owe her a few bucks. But stealing from my daughters piggy bank for me, was crossing the line.

Knowing at the time, that I was doing something that I thought I would never do still did not get my to stop using and drinking. It actually gave me shame that fueled my use. But today, I don’t even get anywhere close to that line.

What are some times that you felt you “crossed the line in your addiction? Please share!!

#crossingTheLine

Using your job as a recovery program

I can’t remember the last time I went to a meeting. If I was being nice to myself I would say about a month. And I did text my sponsor last week. But yeah, it’s been awhile. I got caught off guard while doing a process group last week. I don’t announce that I am in recovery, because my journey has nothing to do with someone else’s sobriety unless I’m sharing my story which in that case it would be to give my experience, strength, and hope. As a counselor, my recovery should not be a tool for me to use. It’s unethical and unprofessional. But when clients ask, it’s a quick yes and I change the subject. However you tell one person, and the entire campus will know. My mistake.

In process group, silence and can be a tool, it also can work against you. I like the silence when nobody wants to share. It’s gets the group uncomfortable, and forces the unsettling idea that they have to sit with their feelings without using and drinking over them. It’s just a matter of time, until the emotion is translated into words. However, when the group ends early, and there is an extra ten minutes or so, I hate reaching. For the sake of time, I don’t try to drag something out of someone. If groups over, its over. No need to force something for the sake of time. And that’s when the small talk comes out. And that’s when they asked me,

“Sir, when’s the last time you went to a meeting?”

“uhh”

“I don’t remember,” I mutter. And dam, as soon the “R” left my lips I knew I was toast. The group roared in unison, “what!”

“Hey guys, my recovery’s not perfect, the only thing I need to do perfect is not drink or use today.”

Yeah they saw right through that bullshit and let me have it. It was all good, I probably needed it. But I did start thinking:

What the fuck, people who say you can’t use your job as your recovery program are full of it, so my disease says! I know, I was just trying to justify my lack of meetings. I mean I know my job isn’t my recovery program but dam if I haven’t worked with people like me for the past four years! And the last thing I want to do is go to a meeting when I get home from my 1 hour drive from work! (That’s my disease talking again!) Ugh…I’m just not feeling the meetings this summer I guess.

But honestly, If it weren’t for my job I don’t know if I’d be sober, seriously.

Ok, that was my disease again!

Sigh……

Ben checks into treatment for the third time

Affleck’s ex, stages intervention

TMZ reports actress Jennifer Garner, ex-wife of actor Ben Affleck staged an intervention Wednesday leading to Affleck’s third treatment attempt for alcohol.

Picture taken from The Blast

Every time a celebrity is in the news for checking into rehab it can’t be more clear, addiction affects everyone. However I wonder what celebrity rehab is like? I’m pretty sure they have their own room, but do you think they make them do chores, make their bed or allow them to have electronics?

Best wished to Ben and his loved ones, addiction is the hardest battle he’ll face.

The Morning After…

It’s a humbling feeling when you wake up in the morning after failing the day before. My failures today are not what they use to be, and the coping skill is 100% better than what it use to be as well. But failing for me today, is actually peaceful, if that makes sense. It’s like, yeah probably shouldn’t have high expectations in the first place, and I did do the best I could with the surrounding circumstances; and the reality is that my life is exactly the same as it was yesterday, which is amazing.

But it’s something in my chest that feels weird today. It’s not bad nor great. It’s just there. Calm, maybe. It feels like I failed and accepted rather than be in denial. I don’t know…

It was just a class. And I actually didn’t fail the class, but completely bombed my final. I was frustrated last night. One thing I did was when my professor asked if I wanted to work on my project some more and turn it in later this week, I declined. After a summer of two grad classes and work, I told her  when I walk out of class today, I’m done, I accept any grade she gives me. Which, I have an A, so at worst it will drop to a B.

I’m just tired, it’s been a rough week. But as long as I stay sober, it’s all good.

 

The House Next Door

I dreamt again about the house next door. In addiction, the house next door was reoccurring dream. When I got sober, it abruptly stopped. Now five years later, the dream is back. In my dream last night, I asked the owner if I could take a look inside, since he was selling. The house was in shambles. There were rooms, with two or three additional rooms added on to them. The hallway was long and narrow. The walls were painted a dark blue. The two of the rooms were not connected as one. The master bedroom had additional showers. Inside, the house next door looked nothing like how I remembered it.

Three myths that Family members believe that can hurt their loved one’s recovery.

So I’m writing this on the fly, I have a ninety-second presentation due tomorrow for Comm Skills class and of course I just started creating the outline. I started with a new company and still technically with my old company, so my schedule is freak’in crazy right now. (However, I do my best work in chaos!) Anyway,  coming off facilitating a “Family Day,” last Saturday where clients invite their loved ones to spend the day at treatment, I came up with this idea for class, as I would present this to family of someone suffering from Substance Use Disorder/Addiction.

Three myths that Family members believe, that can hurt their loved one’s recovery.

  1. The Happily Ever After Myth: Families get the impression that their loved one is going to be fixed and the end of 30 days in rehab and when they get home, life will be perfect! Not to discourage anyone, but that’s not the case. Recovery is a long-term, life process commitment. And yes, as long as your loved one stays sober one-day-at-a-time life gets really good. But it’s a process, and just like addiction didn’t happen over night, recovery does not either.
  2. The “I’m not the one with a problem” Myth: I often get a surprise reaction when I encourage meetings not only for the client, but for family as well. And here’s the thing, yes addcition is a family disease. It could be in the form of enabling, co-dependency, or just in the way “we” live around someone in their active disease and how we tolerate things that pushes our moral compass, just to keep the peace.
  3. The Myth that it’s “our fault” are loved one is addicted: This one unfortunately comes up a lot. Family honestly feel they are at fault and they caused their loved one to become an addict. This is absolutely not true. “We” are not that powerful to make someone become an addict. And on the same token, “we” can’t get anyone sober either.

I’ve been doing this for awhile. The more support in the form of family, groups, sober communities, peers, and professionals, the greater a chance for your loved one to get and stay sober.

So whether your addicted loved one chooses to stay sober or go back and use, you can still have great amazing life in your own recovery.

It’s experiences like these, that help me reflect on my past, and keeps me sober today

I told her she was going to die. And it’s the truth. She is going to die if she keeps drinking. But on the drive home and this morning it bothered me. I believe in meeting people “where they are at” and taking “whatever they are willing to do” to get sober. And creating a daily plan that is reasonable enough that they can achieve. But Jill isn’t 20 years old trying to get sober for the first time. Jill is 40 and looks horrible. She is six days sober, (so she says) and coming off another relapse. She’s experienced multiple seizures while detoxing this time as well. She has no money for treatment this time around, reason being she was in my group. I am not that “hard-ass , rogue-counselor that doesn’t play by the rules but somehow his tough love and unorthodox techniques for getting people sober work. That’s not me, however as I wrote that last sentence I admit that would be a pretty cool character on a YouTube Red series. I’m more of, “let’s work with what we got.” But I feel Jill is running out of things to help her get sober, the greatest is time. Jill is running out of time. That’s why I felt I had to be honest about her situation. And that’s why I said she is going to die, if she doesn’t stop drinking.

“I know, this isn’t my first rodeo,” she said.

“Exactly,” I said, “That’s why I feel this is not going to end good for you.”

So I doubted my approach. I mean, it could turn Jill into self-pity, and rationalize her to say screw it, I’m going to die I might as well drink. But I just feel that the sense of urgency and motivation to get sober isn’t there for her. She wants to put everything and everyone first. I feel like there is no time for her.

I hope I’m wrong.

 

*This story is real, however the name has been changed to protect our anonymity 

Finally my 2009 degree pays-off!

I hear about these kinds of situations all the time, but even the personal experience of God giving me everything I need in life and more, still creates uncertainty. And I tell myself, everything is going to be ok and I truly believe that. However the disease of addiction is centered in the mind, and I create this fear that in the past I would drink and use over, which was the only coping skill I knew. However today its different, the option of using and drinking doesn’t even come to mind. And even though I know things will work themselves out if I stay sober, the uncertainty of not knowing what’s next, is still brings fear.

I came home last night, to basically a miracle. The company I work for filed for Chapter 11 and is auctioning off their assets. I do not know the business side of all this, however I do know my days are numbered. I also know that whatever happens with my position, I am currently at the most employable stage of my life right now. I know for a fact, if I just stay sober everything will be ok. Yet, I still drive myself to insanity wondering if the new company is going to eliminate my position.

Why do I do this to myself?

So recently received my Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor- Intern credential. When I opened the big white envelope that contained my certificate last night, there was another surprise that I had no idea was coming. I’m not special, nor unique. But I do take pride of going from my active addiction to an LCDCi, at the treatment center I sobered up at. I must admit that’s cool, working as a counselor where I got sober. But that’s not the miracle.

I started to read the paper that came with the certificate. I was like, blah, blah, blah…. blah, blah. Then I read the part about the 4000 hours of internship. Whenever you get your LCDCi, you have to complete 3 years of internship hours before you become fully licensed. But when I kept on reading, the letter stated my 4000 hours had been waived due to my college degree that I received in 2009! I was completely taken away by this. All I must do now is take the exam, and I receive my full professional license without having to do the 4000 hours. This basically saves me three years!

Again, I don’t know why I fail to trust my higher power and my sobriety. My LCDC license was practically slapped in my face, making employment a whole of easier if I lose my position.
All I know today is if I don’t drink or use today, I have a pretty good chance that everything tomorrow will be ok.