So this morning I saw this guy walking out of a hotel with a 12 pack of beer. I don’t know if he was still drinking from last night or drunk, however it reminded me of how I use to be. No matter what happens as long as I had a drink near me I was okay. I could handle life as longs as I had liquid help.
This month is also a year that my wife and I moved back in together after 18 months of separation due to my addiction. A lot has changed for the better and we are still working on our marriage but in general, life is good and we have a lot to be grateful for.
Next week’s recovery podcast I am going to talk about recovery, and when it actually started in my life.
Until then stay sober, and have a great weekend!!!
The homeless-old man ask me if I could spare some change.
“I’m not going to lie, I’m going to buy a beer with it,” he said proudly.
In a way, I respected that, and in a way, I was jealous. Drinking first thing in the morning use to be a trait of mine.
I pulled out my “year chip” and handed it to him.
“What’s this?” he asked.
I’ve been sober for over a year after 23 years of using and drinking.
“Well Ive been drinking for over forty years, and Im pretty good at it,” he said.
There was a time when I wasn’t trying to hear it. My higher power himself could of stood right in front of me and explained that I was an addict and how to get help and I would have not listened.
I came in from the chaos, when I was finally tired, miserable and hopeless. It took me twenty-three years to get there. Not everyone has to get to that point, but I did.
He gave me my chip back and I handed him two bucks. This was my first attempt to try to help someone outside my recovery program.
AAAHHHHH! Today is one of those days that I don’t need an excuse to drink or use. Today is one of those days when I don’t feel like calling my sponsor or going to a meeting. Today is one of those days that I could easily throw over nine months of sobriety away along with my family, job, finances and pretty much my life.
So what do I do when the reality of sobriety is not that everything is perfect every single day just because I decided not to use or drink. And for no reason whatsoever I feel like drinking and using. Well, yeah, your right for one thing I blog. (there’s nothing getting past you!) And to put it simple and boring, and hold on. I call it a day. The only thing I have to do today is not use and drink, and pick my daughter…and cook dinner….and pick up my meds…and..and…and…!
OKay, breath, (see how easy it is for me to lose control). Let me think this out, what was Day 1 like?
I was a fucking mess. Wife had left months ago, rented out my house, was about to lose the house I was renting, and staying at my parents house because I thought the house I was renting had cameras and audio surveillance. I was currently had a few home remodel job sites going, a paper route and a bag full of dope. I was easily going on a month without sleep, just cat naps here and there, or, like a cat! So it was two in the morning and I was stuck between my laptop and looking out my bedroom window. I pulled up my Facebook, my vision was blurry and I could not remember the last time I ate, however I swore I saw someone had posted a picture of me, in the bedroom on Facebook getting high. I never found that picture again, however I did find a picture of her. Posted fifteen minutes ago. She look stunning, of course she did, she was divorcing me! Why dress up while were married right, I know, I know. Anyway, she was wearing a red sweater over a blue jean skirt and she was drunk and dancing at her sisters party. With guys in the background checking her out, my stomach dropped. I couldn’t drive and I could not talk. I wanted to go over there so bad. I had never felt so helpless and hopeless in my entire life. That picture and that night still haunts me. My wife, happy without me.
So the next day I checked into a treatment center and lived happily ever after…JUST KIDDING….It was really hard work, and still hard work but I got my family back, and our house and my career. At least today I do. So yeah, I guess I’m going to go with “no” on drinking and using today, and I have never gone back to Facebook since then!
So a couple of days ago I hit nine months sober. It felt really good and I am proud of myself. It is a great accomplishment after twenty-three years of using and drinking. I do understand that I am no way cured, I will never be. I will always be an addict and alcoholic and there is things I need to do on a daily basis that help keep me sober just for today.
During these nine months a lot has changed, and it is interesting because everything is the same all around me, the only thing that changes was in my head. I can see so clearly now, I truly was in a dark place, lost and miserable. One my greatest challenges today is to stay motivated on a daily basis to stay sober and work my recovery.
With all that said, I feel it is time to move on from the very past that I usually blog about. In an learning setting looking back at your past is huge and recommended. Closing unresolved issues was huge in me moving forward in sobriety, however lately I feel I still identify myself as that active addict and alcoholic and feel its no longer a healthy exercise.
I feel good, I feel excited. It is time to work on me and my family. My personal goals along with family goals. Its time to move forward like mature adults do and be a productive member of society. Contribute, help and live. Dwelling on the past is keeping me there and It is time to move forward.
However I say this with the respect to my sobriety and keeping it my primary purpose in life. My recovery still must come first, it must start my day and end it. I do have solid foundation to lean on if I feel the heat, and of course, meetings, still daily. I am no good to anyone if I start using and drinking again. NO ONE.
So with that said, today, I close the door to my past, hold on, and move forward, and that’s what living in sobriety is all about-for me.
I have started a new blog ( because I love to write) called, Dad Speak, be the first to check-it-out!Thanks…jrvaldes