“If you are not working on your sobriety, then you are working on your relapse.”
I realized today, that after nearly fourteen months of sobriety, the craving for alcohol and dope has finally left. The physical torture that starts in my stomach and flows to my throat, mouth and nose has finally dissolved only to be swalloed by the pits of my bladder. I felt the cravings would never leave, however the random thoughts of my past reverly’s are as strong than ever.
I usually try to blog on Monday’s however, I’m going to be really busy this week with soccer practice, the finishing touches on a remodel job, and the daily responsibilities of a husband, father and starving writer! So, I’m gonna cheat a little to help things run smooth this week while I keep up my weekly writing habits. Which beings me too:
Is it just me, or is your attention span like way, way short. If I see more than two-hundred words on a post, I do not even bother with reading it. I think blogs should be quick, clever, interesting or informative. Pretty much the exact opposite of mine! The Internet is just so, this very second, its like I don’t have the time to read more that four or five hundred letters!
I don’t know, maybe its just me, maybe I just have nothing else to write about!
So this morning while on my paper route, this kid, maybe a young teenager, asked me to borrow my phone outside a gas station. I told him sure, make it quick, Im working.
As soon as I hand him my Iphone, my mind starts racing. Where’s his phone, everyone has a phone these days, my nine year old has had a phone for years! This is a decent side of town, why doesnt he have a phone of his own, I ask myself. Then the addict mind starts waking, he’s gonna run, he’s gonna take off and run with my Iphone! So I brace myself, I get ready for a chase and I imagine myself tackling this youngster and taking him out on the oily gas station floor. Then I hear, “Mama, can I go home, mama, Im sorry, I just wanna go home.” (Tear-drop, sniffle, tear-drop, sniffle some more)
Aaaaaand..here comes the guilt patrol! Im such a jerk, judging this kid and sizing him up because he’s young and dosent wear the clothes that I do. BUT, wait for it, the second I dont judge, my Iphone is off and running! OR, maybe Im just worried about the wrong thing, and I need to take a look at myself, instead of looking and pointing at other people.
Grrrrrrrrr…! Sometimes I hate SOBRIETY!, every little event today in life is always some dam lesson!!!
Its whatever it takes to stay I guess!
(1 year and 22 days sober after 23 years of using and drinking!)
Over a year clean and sober and I still run into people who ask me if I can score for them!
“This Too Shall Pass”
My notebook is so slow. Like, “I’m glad my life doesn’t depend on it slow!”
I uh, decided not to apply for the delivery service job. The hours are perfect, and the days are Monday through Friday and we do need the extra money, however…I just dont feel like working every single day.
So I applied for the delivery service job. I hope they don’t call.
Driving to the point of sorrow.
Finally it ends.
Awakening to a new life.
As long as I don’t have to deliver.
101 things to do other than use or drink?
The homeless-old man ask me if I could spare some change.
“I’m not going to lie, I’m going to buy a beer with it,” he said proudly.
In a way, I respected that, and in a way, I was jealous. Drinking first thing in the morning use to be a trait of mine.
I pulled out my “year chip” and handed it to him.
“What’s this?” he asked.
I’ve been sober for over a year after 23 years of using and drinking.
“Well Ive been drinking for over forty years, and Im pretty good at it,” he said.
There was a time when I wasn’t trying to hear it. My higher power himself could of stood right in front of me and explained that I was an addict and how to get help and I would have not listened.
I came in from the chaos, when I was finally tired, miserable and hopeless. It took me twenty-three years to get there. Not everyone has to get to that point, but I did.
He gave me my chip back and I handed him two bucks. This was my first attempt to try to help someone outside my recovery program.
On January 13, 2014 I hit one year clean and sober.
It feels great.
So I’ve been feeling weird lately. And at nearly ten months of sobriety I am realizing that there is something wrong. There is something not letting me move forward, and lately I have been feeling numb. I am starting to ask myself, why am I not happy?
Well yesterday I ran into a high school friend and we talked a little about the past. We brought a friend of ours who passed away in high school when he was shot in the head by a rival gang member. He was senior while I was a freshman and that was very first time I went to a funeral of a person who was not related to me.
So I was thinking today, I get these thoughts in my head of the past, usually on a daily basis and I think about all the things Ive been apart of, all the bad things and for some reason I can shake those memories from my head.
Then it hit me. Its not that I’m not happy of feeling numb, I think I am overwhelmed with guilt, and it preventing from moving forward. I used drugs and alcohol for over twenty three years to cover up a lot of guilt, so I think it would make sense that I am not familiar with the feeling.
So if Im correct, the numbs I feel is guilt, and unless I take a look at it, it will keep getting those horrific thoughts of the pass and I will not move forward. The only question now is, how do I deal with guilt?