How to End Friendships when you’re getting Sober

Trying new things in Recovery!

One of the most challenging obstacle I faced in early recovery was ending my life time friendships. It was also frustrating to determine who was my real friend or n0t. However once I realized ending my friendships had to be done in order for me to not drink or use anymore the feeling of abandoning the people I grew up with a little better.

So for me, I changed my number and stopped hanging out at places where my friends would hang out regular basis. But this resulted in some lonely boring nights and home by myself that was actually just as bad as hanging out with the old gang. But I did, I made it through and eventually friends stopped looking for me and in time I made new friends and healthy relationships. But it wasn’t until a few months ago, I came across an article that I think would of really helped me out back then when ending my relationships.

The article is called “Letting Go of a Relationship with Gratitude,” and was written by Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D. In the article, she states that if you are going to end a friendship, you can do it a healthy manner. Dr. White also states that out of every friendship, you can pull positives even out of negative relationships.

Dr. White explains that all allow ourselves some type of “humiliation and pain” while we are gaining acceptance in a group. But in friendships, this can lead to “resentments” against the other person. And if we apply this concept to our addiction and recovery, we all know that resentments are our “number-one killer,” it was it comes to relapse.

Dr. White goes on to explain that creating a “Gratitude Review” can allow you to end relationships and learn from them as well.

Here are two things I want to leave you with:

  1. Here is the link to the “Letting Go of a Relationship with Gratitude,” article, please feel free to comment how you challenge or confirm the content.

Ending Relationships

2. Here is the link to a Relationship Survey, that I think you might find interesting, and it is completely anonymous. The reason for the survey is for a Thesis paper I am working on so it would be greatly appreciated if you take it!

http://bit.ly/relationshipstudy1

Also you can sign up for the Relationship Study email list, where I will be sending you monthly reports of how the Thesis is going and the information that I am collecting!

Subscribe Here! 

I know, I’m super excited as well!!!!!

Advertisements

Unhealthy Relationships Will Cause Relapse

I know. It’s Bold. But maybe that’s what I need to write in 2016. And maybe that’s what you need to hear. The truth.

Someone asked me the other day, “do you think I can stay sober while my spouse still drinks at home?” I looked at her the same way I looked at the bank teller last week when I went to make a withdrawal.

“I would like take out X amount of money from my savings please,” I asked.

The teller left and came back minutes later.

“Sir, you have .76 cents in one of your savings, should I withdrawal from the other?” she asked.

Seriously. No. Make it happen with the account that has .76 cents!!! (The Look)

And that’s the same look I gave my friend who asked if she could stay sober while her husband drinks at home.

Seriously?

I get it. We are all different. Some of us can still go to music venues, some of us can still work at bars. However from my experience, I only know one way to stay sober. And that’s full commitment. Which meant for me, real change.

I'm very lucky and blessed to have the wife and family that I have!
I’m very lucky and blessed to have the wife and family that I have!

I know, I’m lucky. My wife stopped drinking all on her own when I finally came back home. (How someone can just stop drinking at a moments notice is absolute insanity, just a FYI) But I would not have been able to stay sober without my wife’s support. I don’t know either if I would of stayed or left if she decided to keep drinking, like I said I’m very lucky. But its either it is, or it isn’t. And I’m on the side of that if you want to stay sober, you can not live with someone who drinks or uses and most of all doesn’t support you. There is not even a little trick I know, or a little routine on how to get by when living with a spouse that drinks. No clever sayings or suggestions. Just simply no. It can’t be done.

What can be done is your spouse can support you by understanding the disease. By going to a meeting with you. By not drinking or using.

I guess it all comes down to, what are you willing to change, sacrifice and let-go of, to get sober?

-Jaime