At least once a week I make time to read blogs and social media post with all whom I’ve connected with over the past years. And the theme on my “Newsfeed” this week seems to be about addiction and relationships.
On their own, addiction and relationships can take a lifetime to understand. However both together, is an entire other “monster.”
When my addiction finally caught up to my relationship with my wife, our marriage was already pretty much destroyed. The final step was her packing up and leaving, again. I didn’t fight it either, I wanted to be alone to use and drink as much as I wanted. I wasn’t hiding it anymore, or at least I thought I was not hiding it.
Although my marriage did somehow survive, I don’t have any answers.
However I do remember the moment when I finally realized that I could not fix my addiction and my marriage at the same time. I had been in treatment about 2 weeks. Complaining and crying about my broken marriage to anyone who would listen. I wanted my marriage fixed first, then “I promised” to work on my addiction. I was getting no where. No better off than the first day I admitted to rehab. Then I heard something that I had been hearing since the day I got in. But I never really listened.
“God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I can not change..”
And just hit me. I can’t change or fix my marriage. I had to let go. I had to work on myself, no matter if my marriage was over or not.
Some day I am going to interview my wife and let her talk about what it was like and how and why she held on. However today, I’m just grateful and blessed to have her and the kids still in my life.